Playtest report - in character

[mythfish]

One of my recent playtesters wrote up this report in character. He's a wizard with 4 Int, so his interpretation of things may be a bit skewed...

And so it came to pass that I, the warlock Katada Demonbeard, known through all the lands as the Thurbinger of Doom, did go forth on another grand quest. It began when that shifty-eyed rogue Joachimo came to seek my aid. "I have a map blah blah blah," said he. "Without your wizardly might, I am doomed to failure." I consented to rescue his plans, even if the poor man believed that the long-lost Undertemple Of The Carnifex was merely filled with gemstones, instead of the pools of liquid chocolate that I foresaw. With my arcane might, my luminous staff, my apprentice Dwebba, and her sack of rutabagas, I set forth into the smoky city of Punjar for adventure!

When our path through the Quarter Of Forgotten Gods was blocked by walls of stone, whose arcane power shattered them (and part of a nearby temple which was hopefully not being used)? Mine own!

As our weary party was chased into the bosom of the earth by cultists of the degenerate northern sex-god, admittedly after our mighty brute Gramble had begun slaying them with little provocation, whose peerless sorcery summoned forth a demon nearly two feet high to distract our pursuers? Mine own again!

While my fellows were being menaced at the Undertemple's entrance by nasty beaks and boiling acid and other unhygenic things, which puissiant fellow turned the loyal Dwebba into a veritable giantess so that she could wield her pitchfork in our defense? It was I!

When Joachimo and his pet dwarf and the priest Orcus went up the mysterious stairs to investigate the rubble, who cleverly stayed far away in case they should be crushed by rockfall? None other than me!

But I would not have it said that Katada Demonbeard is merely a walking vessel of unfathomable mystic energies. My wisdom and cunning were often vital to our success in the darkness below the city! When hideous shadowy beasts threatened to steal our very souls, I did not turn the room into an arcane inferno, but let Orcus and his holy glowing lemon advance alone into the throng of our enemies. And once our combined efforts had been the salvation of all, I used my eldritch insight and rushed to the altar, whereon I did smash all the sacramental wafers with my hammer, undoubtedly sealing the fate of our enemies and ensuring the safety of my comrades! In like vein, as tongues of horror wound their way among us, I showed great courage in allowing Dwebba to once again wield her pitchfork for the common defense!

Alas, our quest did not result in the luscious confectionary pools that I know lie beneath the ground. I have no regrets. For not only did I prove my fearsomeness time and again, but my Dwebba was the only henchman not slain! Truly I am a worker of wonders!

[geordie racer]

Truly I am a worker of wonders!

Indeed !

[bholmes4]

Awesome.

[Machpants]

That is awesome!

[JediOre]

[Ravenheart87]

Damn, he should write short stories like this.

[SniperTodd]

I consented to rescue his plans, even if the poor man believed that the long-lost Undertemple Of The Carnifex was merely filled with gemstones, instead of the pools of liquid chocolate that I foresaw.

This part cracked me up. Classic.

[DCCfan]

I just found this. I love this kind of thing. So funny and just the right length.

[Ogrepuppy]

...whose peerless sorcery summoned forth a demon nearly two feet high to distract our pursuers? Mine own again!

Brilliant.

Skewed? Not at all, sir--this is a Sorcerer Supreme (tm)!